How to Make Peace With Negative Thoughts and Emotions

There has been a great deal of emphasis in the New Age movement over the past few years on the power of positive thinking, with strong recommendations to eliminate all negative thoughts and emotions in order to enhance the benefits of being positive. In fact, some teachers have urged their students to break ties with any negative people in their lives to avoid being contaminated by their less-than-ideal energy.

But what happens when you feel negative emotions such as fear, doubt or anger arising within you? What do you do when your thoughts turn to the dark side? Again many teachers recommend shutting out these thoughts and feelings by ignoring them and replacing them with a positive outlook.

However, from the study of human psychology we know that you cannot actually rid yourself of negative emotions – you can only repress them, which causes those feelings to retreat into the Shadow. Once your negative emotions find a hiding place within your subconscious Shadow, they are free to create all sorts of chaos in your life, as has been discussed in other posts.

But is there a better way to manage your own negativity so that it doesn’t poison your efforts to create a positive attitude or sabotage your attempts to grow as a person? The answer can be found within a poem written by Rumi, the Sufi philosopher who was born in the year 1207.

Rumi says to think of your psyche as a guest house that has a new arrival or unexpected visitor every morning, such as “a joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness.” He recommends that you welcome all of your thoughts and feelings “even if they’re a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,” for they “may be clearing you out for some new delight.” In the last lines of the poem Rumi concludes:

            The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

What a novel way of looking at these troublesome thoughts and feelings of ours – as guests who have arrived for some purpose even though we don’t really understand what that might be. And we should not only allow them to have a presence in our lives, but we must tolerate the effects they have upon us because those negative parts of ourselves play an important role in our growth process.

When we reject our own negative feelings it is as if we lock our “house guests” in the basement where they remain hidden from us and we lose sight of their influence on our behavior. But when we openly welcome our negativity, we keep it within our vision where we can monitor it until we become powerful enough to gain control. By acknowledging and owning our negative thoughts we gain the ability to analyze and work with them and can then understand ourselves better and eventually grow in consciousness.

So remember to keep the doors of your “guest house” unlocked and ready for any visitors that choose to show up. Be prepared for some difficult times when you won’t be able to find many positive “guests” at all. But also be aware that there is a purpose for everything you think and feel. Enjoy exploring the mysteries that arrive in your life. Let them clear you out and make room for the next “visitor” to appear – because it might just be the joy you have been waiting for all along!

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5 Questions to Ask Before Naming A Healthcare Proxy

You may already know what kind of healthcare you would like to receive when you reach the later years of your life. But, to ensure that your future healthcare wishes are followed, one of the most important steps you can take is to name someone you know as your “healthcare proxy.” This person will speak for you if you are unable to communicate and will make sure your medical providers know your preferences.

This crucial role shouldn’t be entrusted to just anyone, so it’s wise to make a careful decision. After all, your oldest child or nearest relative may not be the best person for the task, even if that person seems like a logical choice. Write down the names of several people you are considering for your healthcare proxy and then ask these 5 questions about each of them:

1. Does she understand my healthcare wishes?

A recent study at Yale University showed that only about 20% of the healthcare surrogates they interviewed accurately understood the wishes of the patient they represented. To speak on your behalf your proxy must have a very clear grasp of your preferences. Pick someone who not only comprehends what you have chosen, but who also recognizes why you have made your choices.

2. Does he agree with my wishes?

Ideally your proxy should be in agreement with your decisions and have no concerns about them in order to advocate for you. Some people may be able to support your wishes even if they don’t agree with them, but you need to be certain that your feelings will take priority in any situation that may arise.

3. Will this person be available to speak for me in an emergency?

Your healthcare proxy may need to travel to the hospital on short notice at inconvenient times to speak on your behalf. The person you choose for this role should be someone who is flexible and cares enough to go out of the way for you.

4. Is he or she emotionally strong enough to make a decision in a crisis situation?

The person you choose may have to make difficult decisions for you on the spur of the moment. Make sure your proxy will not allow their own grief feelings to interfere with acting on your behalf. They may also have to stand up for you if family members and medical professionals disagree with your choices so choose someone who can handle those challenging situations.

5. Do you trust this person?

Your own “gut feeling” is important to assess when you consider your choice for healthcare proxy. Make sure you trust this person completely since you may be putting your own future in his or her hands. If something doesn’t “feel” right to you about this person, spend some time thinking of someone else who is a better fit.

No matter who you end up choosing to be your healthcare proxy, that person needs to understand the requirements of this important role. Schedule time for a long conversation and bring along your wishes in writing. Be prepared to answer any questions that arise and suggest a follow-up discussion if needed. You might want to download and print this helpful handout: Guidelines for a Healthcare Proxy.

Your next steps are to put your wishes and the name of your healthcare proxy into writing by completing the appropriate advance directive (or living will) forms for your state of residence. Then share them with your family, friends, clergy and healthcare providers. Congratulations on taking the time now to protect your future wellbeing and increase your peace of mind.

 

About the Author:

Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician who writes extensively on spirituality and medicine, especially at the end-of-life. She is the host of End-of-Life University Interview Series and author of “The Tao of Death” and the award-winning book “What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying” Connect with her at karenwyattmd.com, on Facebook at fb.com/KarenWyattMD and on Twitter @spiritualmd

 

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Why I Think About Death Every Day

I was 16-years old when I first began to think about my own death. A classmate of mine died from a fall while hiking, which caused me to recognize that it is possible for a young person (including me) to die at any time. For the first time, death became real to me and since that event I have thought about death every day. In fact I might say that I have kept “death on my shoulder” like the character Billy Jack from the movies of the same name that were popular in the 1970’s.

But I am not alone in my tendency to dwell on thoughts of death. In fact, contemplation of death is a spiritual practice in Tibetan cultures. Moreover when I recently interviewed a priest about the Catholic perspective on death he quoted St. Benedict as saying, “Remember to keep death before your eyes daily.”

While this might sound like a morbid practice, I can assure you that it is not. Recognizing my own mortality on a daily basis has actually changed my life in profound ways and provided many benefits:

Gratitude for every moment of life

Knowing that life is fleeting helps me appreciate each experience and every moment to a deeper degree than ever before. I no longer take life for granted and value the time I have been given.

Restructured priorities

With the briefness of life in mind I am able to focus on those things that really matter to me (like love and relationships) and let go of the superficial and trivial details that compete for my attention. I don’t “sweat the small stuff” now because I know it’s not really important.

Taking responsibility for my life

I now see that life is precious and the meaning it contains is up to me. No matter what has happened in my life, I am responsible to make the best of it and create as much love as I can. I no longer waste time blaming other people or circumstances for the problems I encounter.

Looking within myself for answers

I also have learned to seek my own answers from within rather than looking outside of myself for guidance. No one else can understand my life or my purpose better than me so I need to find my own path and follow it.

Finding joy in being alive

The French value the concept of joie de vivre, which literally means “the joy of being alive.” Recognizing that death could arrive at any time helps me cherish the gift of life. I wake up joyful each day because I am still here with another opportunity to experience life on this planet, even if I am sick or if life’s circumstances aren’t exactly what I would have chosen. Simply being alive is enough to create deep joy.

Being prepared for anything

Since I have spent a considerable amount of time contemplating my own death, it won’t really be a surprise to me if or when I hear the words “You are going to die” from a doctor some day. I have already known that fact for most of my life and I have made sure I am ready every day. While I may not be happy to hear those words I won’t be shocked or angry or depressed. Death is an important part of life and I am prepared to face that truth.

So for me, thinking about death is a simple spiritual practice that has changed and exhilarated my life. I wish I could teach everyone that but our society remains entrenched in fear and avoidance of death.

But now is the time when we need more than ever to find joy in every moment, to be grateful for all of life, to be prepared for the future, and to shift our priorities to what really matters. Now is the time to learn to truly love life by embracing the reality of death.

(Learn how you can start a simple practice of contemplation of death here.)

About the Author: 

Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician who writes extensively on spirituality and medicine, especially at the end-of-life. She is the host of End-of-Life University Interview Series and author of “The Tao of Death” and the award-winning book “What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying” Connect with her at karenwyattmd.com, on Facebook at fb.com/KarenWyattMD and on Twitter @spiritualmd 

 

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