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Faith Amid the Flames

September 10, 2020 by kwyatt

This morning I sat in contemplation next to the Blue River, where just a few years ago sandbags were piled to hold off the rampaging waters that threatened nearby homes. Today smoke rises on the horizon as parts of this state and much of the Western US burn for lack of that water we once disparaged during the years of flooding. I grieve for the loss of lives and livelihoods, wilderness and wildlife, homes and hope that has resulted from this scourge of climate change – so unpredictable and unmanageable.

A woman awaiting the call to evacuate says of her prayers for rain, “I no longer have faith it will happen.” These fires are indeed a brutal siege on our lives of relative comfort and safety. No wonder we falter and question the benevolence of the God we have believed watches after us. No wonder we fall into despair when the workings of this natural world, the creation of our Creator’s hand, are so contrary and destructive to our wellbeing. How does faith survive amid the flames that swallow every touchstone and consume each talisman of our belief?

But fire has its own mysterious and miraculous presence, as it brings us warmth and light, heats food for our sustenance, tempers steel, melts glass for shaping, removes the chaff from a grain of wheat. We would not have the comforts of our lives without the fire we now fear and denounce. It is a paradox we can scarcely bear to acknowledge. Life requires us to see and experience both sides of fire – we cannot have the blessings without accepting the burdens.

Faith, too, is a mysterious force – arising from within, called forth by the touch of the Divine. Faith brings us comfort and sustenance, tempers and shapes our character and separates the mundane from what really matters in our lives. Faith burns inside us as we struggle and grow, fall apart and then get up again.

Truly our faith is not diminished by the disasters that befall us – only our ability to be inspired by that faith. The flames that ravage the landscape around us distract us from the flame that burns within until we become exhausted with our struggling and resisting. Only then can we find comfort in the rising warmth of our own faith, a fire not doused by floods or tears.

Faith requires us to face both the glory and the gore of this existence with equanimity. We are asked by faith to get up after every fall and keep moving forward, to withstand both the deluge and the drought, to sort through the ashes of our despair and find the gems that lie hidden. Life requires us to see and experience both sides of faith – we cannot have the blessings without accepting the burdens.

In the midst of these devastating fires that threaten to wipe away our past, may we find faith in the present moment that promises each of us a new beginning.

Something Beautiful is Happening

September 5, 2020 by kwyatt

Something beautiful is happening. I know it may not seem like it … this has been an unbelievable and unprecedented year of suffering and pain. There are still a thousand people dying of COVID-19 each day, police brutality is still happening in our cities, families are losing their homes, schools are struggling to open, anger is raging in our streets, and stories of hatred dominate our news cycle.

Yet I still feel it. Something beautiful is happening … right in the midst of all of this suffering.

Today I saw a motorist slow down to make sure a man on a bicycle could pass by safely. I saw a teenager rush to help a woman whose grocery bag had spilled in the parking lot. I saw people making space for one another on the sidewalk to preserve social distancing. I saw neighbors waving to each other from across the street. I saw musicians playing free concerts online to entertain us. I saw a restaurant giving away free meals to the hungry.

Today I saw that nearly every person I encountered was wearing a mask. Each one of them smiled with their eyes and nodded as we passed. We mask-wearers are coming together as a force for love and compassion.

We are more comfortable now, more patient, more tolerant, more concerned about one another. We have slowed our pace. We are taking our time and being more present with each other. We are looking out for the welfare of everyone as we choose the minor inconvenience of wearing a mask over the possible risk of harming someone else. And our collective concern is visible, right there on our faces.

Yes there are many who want no part of our face-covering, who prioritize their own personal freedom over the good of others. But that’s okay … because we care about them too. We want them to be safe along with all the rest of us.

In the previous post I wrote about seeing the light … the brilliant light of the Divine … inside every person. If you look closely enough, the light shines just as surely whether one wears a mask or not, whether one speaks words of love or hate, whether one cares for others or not. The light is still there and it is beautiful. When we teach ourselves to see the light we can truly begin to see it everywhere. And then we can help others—those who are hateful and angry—to see their own light by reflecting it back to them.

Something beautiful is happening … one light at a time.

Don’t give up or fall apart in despair, no matter how difficult the next few months become. The light is growing all around us even if you can’t see it. Keep shining for others to see. Keep loving even those in your life who seem unlovable. Keep your heart open and sharpen your eyes to see within.

Something beautiful … an awakening of love … is happening right now.

Seeing the Light (Over Lobster Tempura)

September 5, 2020 by kwyatt

Have you ever had an extraordinary experience when for just one moment you can suddenly see everything with clarity and understanding? I had a moment like that a few years ago, while—strange as it may seem—enjoying dinner at an Asian restaurant.

We were seated outside the restaurant on a narrow deck where 6 tables were lined up side-by-side. It was early evening in late August and the temperature was finally becoming tolerable as the sun descended toward the horizon.

I was sipping Jasmine tea and chatting with my husband when a woman sitting at the table next to us caught my eye. I saw that she was wearing a straw hat to shield her eyes from the sun and then I noticed her sandals: white leather with tiny daisies on the straps across her feet. Something about those daisies—so precious and humble as they quietly decorated her shoe—opened my heart.

When I glanced at the woman’s face again I saw a beautiful radiant light emanating from her and my heart filled with pure love. Her partner was glowing with the same light as he fumbled with chopsticks while attempting to dip a potsticker into a small dish of soy sauce. His face, slightly sunburned, was animated with laughter so melodious that my heart again overflowed with love.

What was it about those two people, I wondered.

But then I glanced the other direction and saw an elderly man sitting by himself at another table nearby. He was wearing a button down shirt and a blazer, even though it was quite hot outside, and I noticed how carefully he sipped his miso soup from the ceramic spoon in his trembling hand. There was a small, leather-bound book on the table next to his plate—something to keep him company during the meal, I thought. He was beautifully radiant with light and my love for him poured out as I silently wished for him to know he was not alone.

What was happening to me? I didn’t really know.

But the same experience of seeing a glowing light and feeling expansive love occurred when our server returned to our table. Despite her efficient and somewhat brusque behavior I could feel how much she cared and even more love flowed from me.

She placed a small plate in front of me with an appetizer serving of lobster tempura—the house specialty. The dish was garnished with a small orchid and the sight of its purple petals arranged elegantly around a tiny yellow center brought tears to my eyes. I have never tasted tempura so delicious, with a delicate batter fried to the perfect degree of crispness.

This all happened in a moment even though it seemed that hours had passed. The next time I looked up from my plate the lighting on the deck had returned to normal and I was no longer flooded with infinite love. But I knew what it felt like to be awash with love as immense as the Universe. And I knew it was possible to experience it again.

In Buddhism such a moment is called a satori, which means an awakening, a “seeing into one’s true nature.” Thomas Merton describes seeing the True Self within as a “pure diamond, blazing with the invisible light of heaven.” He says if we could see the True Self of others we would recognize billions of points light that would shine brighter than the sun and banish all darkness.

Since that day of my lobster tempura satori, I have had other such experiences and have become more adept at seeing the diamond within others simply by choosing to do so. It is not possible to hate anyone when you can see the light they carry within them. It is not possible to wish evil upon them when you recognize that they, like you, are truly sacred.

To survive the passage that we are currently navigating we are going to need to see the diamonds that are all around us instead of the darkness that hides the light inside some of our fellow humans. We are going to need to open our eyes and our hearts so that we can carry the love and light necessary to guide us through the darkness. This is no small task but it is possible right here, right now. Stop for one moment and look within. See the light.

A Call to Love One Another Now

August 9, 2020 by kwyatt

As we face a global pandemic, financial devastation, political unrest, racial injustice, and accelerating climate change, the people of Earth are suffering and desperate. We have allowed these threats to divide us against one another and have retreated into hatred and exclusion as a response to our fear. But such a time of crisis and dissolution calls for just one solution … just one cure to heal these deadly afflictions: we need to love one another.

Love is the only medicine that can transform our suffering into beauty and growth.

In the Torah it is written: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Roman philosopher Seneca wrote: “Love one another and do not strive for another’s undoing.”

Buddha spoke: “Radiate boundless love towards the entire world — above, below, and across — unhindered, without ill will, without enmity.”

Sufi poet Rumi wrote: “Love is the bridge between you and everything.”

Mahatma Gandhi said: “Where there is love there is life.”

Paramahansa Yogananda spoke: “Have only love in your heart for others. The more you see the good in them, the more you will establish good in yourself.”

Jesus said: “Love one another.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.” “Love your enemies.”

Throughout the history of humankind, our greatest wisdom teachers have taught us to love one another … that we are connected to all of life throughout the universe and our highest purpose is to give love to all others,

including those we view as our enemies;

including those who have wounded us;

including those who disagree with us;

including those who hate us.

To love the unlovable is the greatest challenge we will face in our lifetimes and we are being called to meet that challenge right here, right now at this moment in history. It is time to wake up and recognize that we are not separate from any other life in the universe – we are connected, we are one.

Smiling Bear from the Cherokee tribe spoke: “All life is sacred and all creation related. What we do affects the whole universe. So let us walk in Balance with Mother Earth and all her peoples.”

It is time to restore balance on this planet through love and compassion. We will not move forward with anger in our thoughts or hatred in our hearts. We must release all within us that does not foster love – all judgment, blame, condemnation, shame, ridicule, fear, greed, superiority. We are at a crossroads – only love will lead to our survival.

Some hearts have been hardened by pain—it is time for them to soften.

Some minds have been narrowed by fear of change—it is time for them to open.

Some eyes have been blinded by prejudice—it is time for them to see again.

Some souls have been beaten down by injustice—it is time for them to rise up.

Oglala Sioux Holyman said: “Every step you take should be a prayer. And if every step you take is a prayer, then you will always be walking in a sacred manner.”

Now is the time to be soft and open and clear-sighted, and empowered. Now is the time for every step you take to be a prayer of love for yourself, for all people in this world, for all animals and plants of the earth, for the planet itself.

6 Mistakes to Avoid When Doing Your End-of-Life Planning

July 13, 2020 by kwyatt

Even when advance directives have been put in writing there are several reasons why patients may still not receive the care they have requested. Here are six common mistakes for you to avoid when doing your own end-of-life planning:
by Karen Wyatt MD

(Previously posted on HuffPost)

A recent review article has shown that patients who have planned in advance for the end of their lives spend less time in the hospital, receive fewer intensive treatments, and have greater quality of life when they reach their final days. In addition, their surviving relatives experience less stress, anxiety and depression during the process.

These findings from studies that have been conducted over several years at multiple sites present a compelling argument for planning ahead for the end-of-life and completing advance directives. Yet recent statistics show that only 20-30 percent of Americans have actually put their healthcare wishes in writing in the form of a living will or other legal document, so as a nation we are vastly unprepared for the end-of-life.

To make matters worse, even when advance directives have been put in writing there are several reasons why patients may still not receive the care they have requested. Here are six common mistakes for you to avoid when doing your own end-of-life planning:

1. Putting it off for a later time

According to a survey conducted by The Conversation Project, some respondents say they have delayed completion of advance directives because it’s too early to think about it or they’re not sick yet. But evidence shows that making choices for end-of-life care is more difficult during a crisis situation. In addition, some preferences, such as avoiding CPR, may not be possible if they are not in writing before an emergency occurs.

The best time to do advance care planning is right now, as soon as the thought occurs to you. Then you will have your choices in writing no matter what happens, since life has its own set of uncertainties. The wishes you express now can always be updated whenever your health status or your preferences change.

2. Choosing the wrong healthcare proxy

Naming a person to make health care decisions for you in case you cannot speak for yourself is one of the most important steps in the process of advance care planning. But it is essential to choose the right person for this responsibility. Remember that some friends and family members may be too overwhelmed with their own grief or guilt to advocate for your wishes as you reach the end of your life.

You should choose as your proxy someone you trust who is emotionally strong enough to stand up to pressure from the medical system or loved ones in order to protect your wishes. This person also should either agree with your choices or be supportive of your right to choose in order to advocate for you. Finally you should consider whether or not the person is both willing and able to represent you now and in the future.

3. Getting lost in the details

When planning ahead for future health care decisions, it quickly becomes obvious that there are millions of potential scenarios that could play out at the end of your life. You could spend months considering every possible circumstance and making decisions for each situation, but that would be an unfortunate waste of your time.

Instead of getting lost in all the possible details for the future, ask yourself simple ‘big picture’ questions like “What do I want it to be like when I die?” By starting at the end, you can work backwards and other decisions will become more apparent. For example, if you wish to be in your own home when you die, then you will want to avoid types of treatment that would require hospitalization during your final days.

4. Not discussing your plans with your doctor

A large study found that even when patients had taken the time to complete advance directives only 25 percent of their physicians knew that the documents were on file. Your health care wishes are not likely to be carried out if your doctor doesn’t know what they are and cannot access your paperwork.

Schedule an appointment with your treating physician to talk about your end-of-life preferences and to ask for input. This will ensure that three factors of effective end-of-life planning are met: you will have the information you need about your health status in order to make decisions, your doctor will know what you want and will also know where your directives are stored.

5. Not expressing your wishes to your loved ones

The survey conducted by The Conversation Project showed that while 90 percent of Americans believe it is important to discuss their end-of-life wishes with their loved ones, less than 30 percent have actually had these conversations. This lack of information can cause distress and anxiety for family members at the time of a loved one’s death as they are forced to make difficult decisions without having a basis for them. Also many families have been disrupted at the time of a loved one’s death because members have been told different things at different times by the patient.

Plan a time to talk to all significant members of your inner circle about the healthcare decisions you have made, preferably at one time so that everyone hears the same information. Also give a copy of your advance directive to each person and make sure they understand what it says and why you’ve made that decision.

6. Not updating your end-of-life preferences over time

Everything changes in life and your choices are also likely to change as you grow older and encounter new health challenges. It is important to regularly revisit the end-of-life plans you made in the past in order to ensure that they are still the right fit for your current situation.
Consider reviewing your advance directives at least every 5 years while you are younger and still healthy. You should update your documents whenever you experience a change in your health status and then review them annually from that point on.

The evidence seems clear that if you do complete your advance directives and avoid these six common mistakes you are more likely to have a peaceful end-of-life experience that honors your preferences. The time you spend now to do this planning and in the future to stay up-to-date will be worth it when you can meet your last days surrounded by love and content with a life well-lived.

As you consider your wishes for the end-of-life you might seek out guidance from books, articles or online sources to help you complete your advance directives. There are numerous options available including a free 10-day challenge you can sign up for to get all of your paperwork done with support and encouragement by email.

Remember to start your planning right away, make your best choices based on what you know right now, stop worrying, and spend your time loving the people in your life!

How to Pray – Even if You’re Not Religious

May 11, 2020 by kwyatt

Why now is the perfect time to learn about prayer.

As we face uncertain times during the COVID-19 epidemic, many of us are searching for ways to help us cope and be more resilient to stress. We need something to help us feel safer and more relaxed and also to have more clarity about what is happening around us.

I believe there is one step that could help us accomplish those goals, and that is: to establish a daily practice of prayer. I know that even the word “prayer” is a turn-off to many people because it has been associated with religious dogma and seems to be too old, outdated, and limiting to fit in a modern life. Many people who consider themselves spiritual but not religious have rejected the idea of prayer for this reason.

But I maintain that prayer is an act of communication that can be performed by anyone with or without religious beliefs. In fact, setting aside a special time every day for quiet contemplation can take your spiritual practice to the next level, bring peace and joy into your life, and help you stay focused on the other goals you want to accomplish. Even if you are not sure you believe in God you can still benefit from a daily practice of intentional solitude.

Furthermore, prayer may be even more beneficial when it is removed from a religious setting to become a private, personal act that is spontaneous and not rehearsed or memorized. Even Jesus admonished his followers to “go into a closet” to pray, rather than pray in public to win the admiration of others.

Why pray?

The Sufi poet Rumi wrote: “When the world pushes you to your knees, you are in the perfect position to pray.” This is certainly a time in our planet’s history when we have been “pushed to our knees” in many ways. The global pandemic and unstable worldwide economy are certainly threats to our survival, along with drastic climate change that is altering the planet itself.

The word “prayer” comes from a root word that means “to ask” and is also the root for the word “precarious.” So prayer, in a sense, means to ask for help in precarious times, which is precisely why it is an appropriate practice for today. Pray because it will help you connect with others in the world who are suffering; pray because it will help you tap into the energy of all of life for sustenance and growth; pray because it is an intentional act of goodness that far exceeds doing nothing.

How to pray?

While there is no shortage of issues to consider during a time of prayer, you may feel uncertain about how to actually pray. Here are some pointers for beginning your own practice of prayer:

Create a quiet space.Try sitting, kneeling or even lying down in a comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed.
Calm yourself by taking a few deep breaths.
Contemplate the concerns you have and set your intention on holding them in your heart during this time. You may want to begin with concerns for yourself, then expand to others in your life, your community, nation, planet, etc.
Connect with the flow of energy around you. Allow yourself to sense the pulse of life and creativity that infuses everything. For some this is called Spirit or God or the Divine, but you might simply perceive it as an energetic life force.
Communicate either silently or aloud by naming your concern, then visualize sending your own love and compassion to that person or place.

Studies that have been done by Spindrift Research using prayer have shown that all forms of prayer can be effective, but that “non-directed” prayer can have the greatest impact. This means praying for the greatest good for all rather than asking for a specific outcome. In this way you acknowledge that there is greater wisdom in this Universe than your own and that you may not be able to see the best outcome for the situation, but you are still sending your own loving intention for the good to that person or place.

What to pray for?

Whenever possible let your prayers arise spontaneously from within you rather than planning them in advance. But if you feel insecure about this at first, here are some specific things you might pray for:

Growth in wisdom, love, compassion and insight for yourself, others, the leaders of our nation and other countries
Wholeness of body, mind, spirit and planet
Healing for those who are sick and those who are caring for the sick
Comfort for those who are grieving and suffering at this time
Peace and understanding– send your loving energy to those who are reacting with fear and hatred to these challenging circumstances
Guidance for yourself and others to make wise decisions
Survival skills such as strength, courage, patience and endurance to help you get through this difficult time
Gratitude– let every prayer begin and end with thankfulness for all creation and the opportunity you have been given to experience life

Even if you’ve never prayed before, today is the perfect day to start. Open your mind and heart for just a few moments and connect with the breath of life that surrounds you. Let your own love flow out toward others as you receive the shining, pure light that has been waiting for you all along. This is the light that may help you find the very path you have been seeking, so don’t turn it away!

About the Author:

(Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician and the author of the award-winning book “7 Lessons for Living from the Dying.” She is the host of End-of-Life University Podcast and her profound teachings have helped many find their way through the difficult times of life. Learn more about her work at www.karenwyattmd.com.)

http://www.spindriftresearch.org/theory.php

Laughter: A Precious Commodity at the End of Life

January 29, 2020 by kwyatt

How humor can heal even in the midst of tragedy

One of the surprising discoveries I made while working with dying patients in hospice was how frequently those patients and their families enjoyed laughing together. I had expected to be immersed in sadness every time I entered a home where someone was dying, but I often found a lot of joy and humor in those households, which gave me a great deal to think about.

On one of my very first home visits for hospice I found the patient, a 45-year-old woman with breast cancer, laughing hysterically in the bedroom with her mother. At first I was perplexed by their laughter and had no idea what to say. I was prepared to share their sorrow but I didn’t know if it was appropriate for me to share their joy. I soon discovered that they were laughing over various silly hairstyles the mother had created with her daughter’s wig, meant to cover her bald scalp. Their laughter over this scene was so delightful and natural that I could not help but join them.

Another time I walked into a home to find the patient in her hospital bed in the living room yelling instructions to her husband who was in the kitchen trying to prepare dinner. She was attempting to teach him how to cook but apparently he was a poor student. When he brought out a plate full of burned and unrecognizable food, both of them started laughing uproariously and she said, “Well I can’t die until you learn how to cook or you’ll starve to death!”

In both of these cases the laughter was spontaneous and real even though it arose in the midst of tragic circumstances. As they laughed together these family members shared a moment of precious intimacy, wholeheartedly experiencing the heights of joy that only accompany the depths of pain.

In my reading about laughter and where it comes from I discovered a theory that we laugh at jokes because of the release we experience when the punch line arrives. The set-up for the joke creates uncertainty and tension because we don’t know where it’s leading. But the punch line removes the tension and results in a flood of delighted laughter.

Suddenly I understood why laughter may arise so easily during a time of death: because the uncertainty of life is resolved as soon as we accept that we are going to die. At that point there is no more questioning the outcome: the illusion of immortality has been shattered and all hope for a different future is lost. Then the focus turns to the present moment and though the situation may still be tragic, laughter can freely erupt whenever life reveals all its shades of absurdity. And in those final moments of life the opportunity to laugh is precious and deeply meaningful.

On another occasion a hospice nurse and I drove together to see a patient who was in his last few weeks of life. The nurse was getting ready to leave on an extended vacation and knew that this would most likely be her last visit with this dear man to whom we had both grown very close.

When the time came for us to leave she took his hand and said with tears in her eyes, “This might be our last goodbye.”

He was silent for a moment and then said, “I know, something might happen to you while you’re traveling and we’ll never see each other again.”

For another brief second of silence we were each suspended in uncertainty until he burst into hilarious laughter, breaking the tension of the moment. The three of us laughed then until tears of joy trickled down our faces, holding one another’s hands, looking into each other’s eyes, knowing that this moment would never happen again. We would never again share this space or this joy or this exquisite pain of goodbye.

But that single moment contained all the meaning and purpose of each of our lives – we had each lived just for that simple sharing of our breaking hearts and the laughter that comes only when uncertainty is resolved and all hope is lost: the laughter of the perfect and divine present moment.

Grief Travel: Tips for a Pilgrimage to Heal the Wounds of War

May 5, 2018 by kwyatt

For the past 30 years since my father decided to take his own life I have been searching to understand why he made that choice. What had caused him so much pain that he would destroy his own existence and deeply damage the lives of everyone who loved him in the process?

With information I received from a psychiatrist who specializes in treating war-related trauma in members of the military I concluded that Dad had been carrying hidden pain from his experiences during World War II that he had never been able to resolve. I realized that in order for me to heal my own grief over Dad’s death I needed to conduct a pilgrimage to explore more closely the pain of war that haunted him.

On my journey I discovered lingering echoes of the devastation and suffering created by the war. But I also found people eager to share the stories of heroism and honor that had taken place on their soil and I found a connection with my father I had never before experienced. Ultimately my pilgrimage helped me understand the deep wound he had been carrying that undoubtedly contributed to his death.

Here are some tips for planning your own pilgrimage to heal the grief of war:

Do your homework before you go

Gather information wherever you can: from old letters and photos, the memories of those who knew your loved one during their time of service, historical information about the war itself, and military records available online from the National Archives. Use this information to help you decide which sites are the most important for a visit so that you can keep your itinerary manageable.

I spent several months doing research before I began my travels. I knew that Dad had spent at least part of the war in Iceland, England, and France but I had no further details. After finding Dad’s uniform I was able to determine which division he served in and I also utilized conversations with relatives, and multiple online sources to piece together enough information to get me started. I was surprised to learn for the first time that Dad had been part of the Normandy invasion so one focus of my pilgrimage became a visit to Omaha Beach.

Visit a museum

Plan to tour a war memorial museum as part of your pilgrimage if there is one available to you. You will have a chance to learn the overall scope of the war and to take in details that you may not have known. Also you may see a picture of the war from the perspective of another country, which can also be useful as you begin absorb the immensity of war and its impact on everyone it touches. Learn about some of the WWII museums in Europe here.

My pilgrimage included the Mémorial de Caen Museum, in the city of Caen, where I learned the history of the build up to the war starting with World War I. Through the informative exhibits there I learned about significant events on both sides of the conflict that contributed to the start of the war, the impact of the war on the people of France, and the importance of D-Day to the entire European theatre. I also came away with a much better picture of the timeline for the war and recognized that my father’s training in England had been part of the preparation for the Normandy invasion.

Enlist a guide

On your pilgrimage consider utilizing the services of a guide trained to offer tours through the region. You are likely to discover sites and hear stories that you might have missed otherwise and a guide can help you get the most from your visit for the time you have available. When choosing a guide make sure they speak your language fluently, have been trained in the history of the war, and specifically focus on the sites you want to see.

I knew from my research that my father’s division had landed at Omaha Beach so I booked a guide who would take me there and to other significant sites in the area. She found out the date his division landed, which was five days after D-Day, and she showed me a map that traced the route his division followed after surviving the landing. We discovered from the map that Dad would have been involved in the Battle of Saint-Lô, which serendipitously turned out to be the town where she grew up.

Meet a local

On your pilgrimage spend time talking with the locals in the area who have their own recollection of the war or can share stories that have been passed down from older generations. As you hear about the suffering endured in their lives you will begin to see how we are all connected in our grief, particularly after a brutal war for freedom. We do not mourn alone but our pain is shared with others all over the world.

The fact that my guide’s family had lived in Saint-Lo during the war and my father was part of the battle that took place there helped create a bond between us. Though she hadn’t been born yet during the war she had been told many stories of the bravery of the American soldiers who fought to free France and she immediately expressed her gratitude for my father’s service. At that moment I knew I was on the right track and my pilgrimage was leading me exactly where I needed to go.

Take your time

Intense emotions can arise during a visit to a war memorial site so make sure you budget plenty of time for contemplation and recovery. Don’t rush through the experience but stop to let the stories and images sink in. Allow your grief to surface because that is an important part of the healing process that occurs during a pilgrimage.

I spent time alone walking Omaha Beach, which was empty and quiet that day, just imagining what took place there on D-Day and also thinking about my father’s state of mind on the day he landed there. Did he know about the massive loss of life that had occurred just a few days before?

Participate in a ritual

Rituals can provide powerful opportunities for healing and release during a grief pilgrimage. Plan ahead to create your own ritual as you visit a war memorial site. You might also discover a scheduled ceremony or event you can take part in as part of your journey if you do your research in advance.

During my pilgrimage I visited the American Cemetery at Normandy where more than 9,000 American soldiers are buried. I saw the headstones of many men from my father’s division and wondered if he had known any of them. The burden of grief carried by soldiers who survived the war became evident to me as I strolled through those peaceful burial grounds and contemplated the enormity of the losses of World War II. Near the end of my late afternoon visit I had the opportunity to witness the flag lowering ceremony and the playing of Taps, which brought me to tears as I finally understood my father’s unspoken pain from this war.

If you decide to go on a pilgrimage to heal the grief from war be sure to plan ahead to make sure you get the most out of the experience, but also allow for spontaneity so that the unexpected can occur. May your travels bring you awareness and understanding so that you might find peace and comfort on the rest of your grief journey.

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