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End of life

A Farewell Letter From a Dying Monk

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As part of an ongoing series on various religious and cultural perspectives on death, I recently interviewed a priest about the Catholic approach to dying and after-death care. During the interview he shared with our audience a letter that had been written recently by a fellow monk from his monastery, Father Mark, who was dying of stomach cancer.

That letter was a poignant and instructive guide for how to approach death with three virtues that Father Mark said he valued most in his last days on earth: comfort, grace and gratitude. Father Mark, who has subsequently died, agreed to share his words and his wisdom with people far and wide, with a humble wish that others might be helped by reading about his experience.

Father Mark’s letter can be read in full here, but the following is a summary of the lessons shared by Father Mark as he lived his final days:

“Keep death before your eyes daily.”

Father Mark interpreted this quote from Saint Benedict quite literally as he recommended a meditative approach to death to help ease fear and live fully. He himself was able to find joy and positivity even within the natural anxiety that comes from facing death full on and acknowledging its inevitability.

Be willing to hear the truth.

Father Mark described unflinchingly how his doctors told him truthfully that there was nothing more they could do for him. He listened to their prognosis and embraced the limited time left for his life without fear.

Let go of curative treatment at the right time.

When it was clear that the cancer was spreading quickly Father Mark recognized that it was time to stop treatment and focus on saying goodbye, which was the motivation for writing the letter.

Embrace palliative care.

Father Mark described how helpful his palliative caregivers were in guiding his decisions for the last chapter of his life. With their advice he expressed his love to others, made amends and planned meaningful activities while he still had enough energy to pursue them.

Be grateful for everything.

In his letter Father Mark expressed his deep gratitude for life itself, love, his community, career, and spiritual life. He looked back upon his years of life as a blessing filled with rich meaning and growth.

See beyond sadness.

Because of his belief in an afterlife, Father Mark could express his sadness for all that was coming to an end in his physical existence but also look forward to something more that would continue on. His great faith allowed him to embrace his death with wonder and awe as he prepared for whatever lies next.

Through his thoughtful words Father Mark was able to translate his dying experience into meaningful advice that can change the perspective of all who read it from fear to peaceful acceptance of death. Indeed Father Mark accomplished his goal of achieving comfort, grace and gratitude in his own final days and also transmitted those three virtues to each of us who have received them.

We don’t need to be Catholic or even religious to grasp the meaning of Father Mark’s teaching, for he is communicating the universal language of death:

 These are the words we were born to hear; this is the lesson we came here to learn: embrace life fully and look death in the face every day.

Thank you Father Mark for so generously sharing your last days and thoughts of life with us and for continuing, even in your death, to be an enlightened teacher.

About the Author:

Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician who writes extensively on spirituality and medicine, especially at the end-of-life. She is the host of End-of-Life University and the author of “The Tao of Death” and the award-winning book “What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying” Connect with her at karenwyattmd.com, on Facebook at fb.com/WhatReallyMattersWithKarenWyatt and on Twitter @spiritualmd

How I Found Joy Again After My Father’s Suicide

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Since my father’s suicide death 28 years ago I have been on a long journey of grief with many twists and turns, detours and dead-ends, which I have chronicled in a series on my End-of-Life University podcast. After the devastation of his death I wondered if I would ever be able to feel joy again in my life. But I am here to say now that it is possible to feel joyful, alive and grateful after enduring such trauma, even though the grief will never disappear.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of blog posts that warn readers “What Not to Say” to a person who is grieving. The authors advise against such platitudes as “Grief is a process,” “You’re on a journey,” “It will get better one day,” and “You’ll learn something from this.” I’ll admit that in the first few years after my father’s death I couldn’t even bear to hear the word “suicide” and I too ran away from well-meaning friends who tried to console me.

But so many years later … after a great deal of work and struggle … I have to say that for me, grief has been a process that has taken me on a journey and things have gotten a great deal better as I have learned many lessons about life and death. For me there has been “a light at the end of the tunnel.” And while I would never push my current perspective onto someone else who is grieving, I can wish for that person to find solace and comfort as they deal with the pain in their own unique way.

I do believe that there is value in sharing my process and what I have learned through years of grief and guilt. So these steps of mine are not meant to preach to others who are grieving, but simply to share my experience of what it has taken for me to find joy once again.

Patience

I had to learn right away that my grief would not be resolved quickly (or ever) and that it was important for me to allow plenty of time. As much as I wanted to be done with the pain and go back to living my old life, I had to slow down and wait patiently for tiny glimmers of hope to appear. Each time I tried to take shortcuts through my own healing I ended up prolonging it and having to start over again.

Grief has its own timing and cannot be rushed.

Stillness

While my mind was busy racing with “What ifs” and “Should haves” about my father’s death and my emotions were erupting on a regular basis, I wondered why I could never feel joyful. But over time I gradually recognized that joy arises from stillness. I learned to create quiet spaces in my life and in my thoughts. Eventually I spent more and more time being still and allowing glimpses of happiness to appear within me.

Create still spaces inside that joy can fill.

Facing Emotions

Many of my emotions during the years of heavy grieving were chaotic, frightening and destructive so I constantly tried to hide or ignore them. But I slowly learned that healing would come only after facing up to those feelings and going through them. I had to embrace all of my emotions as a natural part of who I am in order to soothe them and eventually lessen their intensity.

Learn to face and accept all of the turbulent emotions of grief.

Allowing Change

For several years I would say to myself every morning “Some day I will wake up and be like I used to be before …” I kept expecting the pain to just disappear so that I could go back to who I was in the past. But grief is an experience that is meant to change us. Grief holds the keys to who we are right now and who we are going to become. There is no going backwards; focusing on the past just prolongs the pain.

Grief transforms you into who you really are.

Letting go of expectations

Ultimately in my long process of healing deep grief I had to adjust my expectations. I had to recognize that life would never be the same again, I would never be the same person again, and I couldn’t expect anything to turn out the way I wanted it to be. There was a “new normal” for my life and that included finding quiet joy in small moments each day rather than over-the-top jubilation. I would learn to connect together moment after moment of simple happiness until my life became filled with what I though of as “Buddha joy,” with the slight smile and the calm presence that Buddha statues exhibit.

Real joy is simple and serene.

So after 28 years of work on my own grief, this is what I have learned. But I am still growing and changing every day so I don’t doubt that there are many more lessons ahead for me. Now I wake up every morning grateful to be alive, looking forward to what the day might hold, and in awe of the mystery of life. Grief has led me here and I honestly would not go back.

This place … this moment … this stillness … is perfect for me right now and I am in need of nothing more. For everyone else struggling with grief at this time … I see you, I honor your experience, and I hold you in my heart with love.

About the Author:

Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician who writes extensively on spirituality and medicine, especially at the end-of-life. She is the author of the award-winning book “What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying.” Connect with her at karenwyattmd.com, on Facebook at fb.com/WhatReallyMattersWithKarenWyatt and on Twitter @spiritualmd